“Sleep Like a Baby?” Ahem. Let’s Talk Real Newborn Sleep

Ah, yes. “Sleep like a baby.” Has a lovelier lie ever been told?

Because if you’ve actually been around a newborn at 3:17 a.m., you know that babies sleep like tiny drunk philosophers— unpredictable, occasionally poetic, and frequently very mixed up.

Let’s set the record straight, shall we?

What’s Actually Normal

Newborns sleep 14 to 17 hours a day. Sounds dreamy, right? Plot twist: They do it in random, bite-sized chunks that are perfectly designed to keep you just awake enough to question all your life choices.

💤 They mix up day and night like they’re in college again.
💤 They wake up every couple hours to eat, cry, or practice interpretive flailing.
💤 And yes, those frequent wake-ups are normal. In fact, they’re protective. They help regulate baby’s breathing and reduce risks like SIDS. They help babies get enough nourishment because they also need to eat ALL. THE. TIME. So even when it feels like your baby is on a mission to destroy your REM cycles... they’re actually doing something wise and beautiful just as the Good Lord created them to do.

(Still exhausting. But beautiful.)

What Helps (Realistically — Because Let’s Be Honest, No One’s Sleeping Through the Night Here)

🕯️ Keep days bright and nights dark. Natural light helps develop that adorably non-functional circadian rhythm - or baby jet lag (minus the beach vacation).

🎶 Swaddle and white noise. Some babies love the womb-y cocoon and ambient fan sounds. Others scream like they’ve been betrayed by a blanket. It’s fine. Try it. Toss what doesn’t work. You’re not on a game show.

🛏️ Safe sleep always. Flat surface. Firm mattress. No blankets, no bumpers, no stuffed animals—no matter how cute or heirloomy they are. Think "chic minimalist dorm room," not Pottery Barn catalog.  This harkens back and heralds forth a great many other topics (safe crib means you can rest easy, take a shower, or go outside on your front porch for a breather).

⏰ Don’t expect a schedule. At this stage, clocks are fake. Follow hunger cues and sleepy signs, not the rigid schedule that Instagram sleep experts pretend their 3-week-old follows. (Bless them. And unfollow them.)

What to Let Go Of (Gently, Like You’re Placing a Sleepy Baby in the Crib and Praying He Won’t Wake Up)

❌ The idea that you should be able to “make” your baby sleep longer
❌ The guilt that you’re doing something wrong
❌ The idea that “other babies” sleep through the night. (They don’t. Their parents are just better at lying on social media.)

Real Encouragement for the Real Sleepless Nights

Mama, you are not failing. You are not doing it wrong.

You are doing the sacred, ordinary, invisible work of nurturing a brand-new human with your love and presence.

This is not just survival. This is protection. This is connection. This is real, holy, in-the-trenches motherhood.

Need a Little Calm in the Chaos?

The Newborn Success Podclass is here for you—one bite-sized episode at a time.

🎧 [Listen in now] — with simple tools to help your nights feel a little less like a hostage situation.

You're doing great, even if your shirt is inside-out and you're humming lullabies to your sandwich. Promise.